Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
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A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
rest in peas
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Bringing back this classic
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.