Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
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Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money