Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
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[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
i spent way too long on this
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.