Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby

Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?

Gatsby: … Yup

Young Sheldon
Sheldon
Elder Sheldon
Sheldon on Death’s Door
ETERNAL SHELDON OF THE THIRTEEN REALMS

me: this hotel is $100 per night?

clerk: that’s right

me: how much for just one room

Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

medusa: look into my gaze

me:

dwayne johnson: did it do anything?

My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!

Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)

My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.

Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.

Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.

The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

you: weird flex but ok

an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless

me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas

Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.

Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.

A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.

I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.

Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates

My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away

He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.

I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?

ME: {seductively} One sec.

[2 minutes later]

ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.

Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco

santa getting shot down over jersey this year isn’t he