Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
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If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
it’s the silliest best thing
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool