Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no

My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

*As the Titanic sinks*

Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album

Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO

To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.

Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree

“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household

Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?

Me: A shrink ray.

Smallie Smalls: Did it work?

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.

Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job

Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky

[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.

Dave’s coming over

“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”

[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”

Him: You need to be more active in your community.

My Community: NOOOOO!!!!

Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.

Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?

My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.

Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn

Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?

Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.

Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?

When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe