Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
You Might Also Like
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Bill is short for Billiam
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.