Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”

I have half a mind to…

Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”

I was living in the moment until I was evicted.

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.

Hear me out – fortune hotdogs

I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.

Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.

I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…

Toxic snake

Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.

It’s not you.

Just the things you say, think, and do.

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake

Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

date: i think i’ve been here before

me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant

date: i’m definitely having deja vu

me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..