Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.

If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.

My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.

Person: how does writing work?

Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise

Person: then you’re done with the book?

Writer: then you move to the next sentence

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.

Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.

Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry

My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s

I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.

I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”

…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”

It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.