Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
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IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.