Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
You Might Also Like
Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?
Me: they’re articles of clothing
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.