Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
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ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.