Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine

Jfc

Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine

*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*

Here I am, block me like a hurricane.

(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein

his wife is probably gonna see that

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.

If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.

20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !

40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !

There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.

***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something

Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance

Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

[looks at text from 2 days ago]

Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?

“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice

I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…