Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brands during Pride

the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it

Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?

Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

[During sex]

Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*

Him: Ok… Wanna role play?

Me: Sure, you’re a musician

Him: Oooh! Which one?!

Me: Bono

Him: Why Bono?

Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.

My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.

Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.

A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.

Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!

So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”

We all winked at each other and got in our cars.

Teamwork.

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.

Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date

Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.

Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.

Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.

I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.

The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary