Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
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every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic