Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
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If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”