Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
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promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
boys are so easy to impress
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
The three genders
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Do not steal food from the science building!
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving