Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Morning, how was your weekend?”

Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test

When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.

Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.

“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”

I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in

priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?

Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria

Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow

Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.

“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office

gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start

[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles

“It’s been months since I got laid.”

– Baby chickens

*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*

Me serving decaf

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by

Ridiculous. He should be in jail

My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel

*spends ages choosing a ring tone.

*puts phone on silent

Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.