Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
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Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.