Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
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[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.