Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”

I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.

Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?

No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.

Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?

Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?

Me: Divorce

ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING

me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here

therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?

me: haha right on, cya guys

wife: wha-

therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.

god: make a guy who brings children presents

angel: aww that’s nice

god: have him slide through chimneys at night

angel: wait what

god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses

angel: dude

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*

4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next

Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No

Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?