Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.

I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.

My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”

Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

Me: what are we doing today

Trainer: let work on your forearms.

Me: but I only have 2

T: What?!?

Me: *whispers* I only have 2?

Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies

Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.

Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!

My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.

So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”

I replied “sorry I’m married.”

Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.

I quit my job to become an archeologist.

My career is in ruins.

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

Alexa, make me look good naked.

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?

Me: 👌

The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust

Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!

Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it

Space.

[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.