Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
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It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?