Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
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A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
even bears disappoint their mothers
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.