Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?

Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot

My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.

“How would you describe yourself.”

Me – I absolutely would not.

Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)

Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?

Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.

Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.

Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does

I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.

Seriously.

Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!

“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”

Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.

Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.

I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”

1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”

Him: what’s your favorite season?

Me: Reese’s Egg Season

Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.

Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves

Today I quit drinking wine for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.

me: I quit my job as a waiter

wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?

me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda

whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me