Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
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Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Mad Max: Furry Road
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
For the baby who has everything
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now