Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
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I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.