Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
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Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
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It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”