just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
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why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
this made my day 😂
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
This chloroform smells expensiv…
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash