just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
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[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
My diet starts in January
of 2027
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.