Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?

me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?

8yo: no that’s not it

I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.

If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.

when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken

Bringing them to the yard is easy

– bear traps will keep em’ there

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.

Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*

I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag

My left hand: imma pet this doggie

By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.

Not all heroes wear capes…

A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.

I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.