just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
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[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Monica just destroyed the internet
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.