“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
You Might Also Like
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Hard not to take this personally
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck