Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.

THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot

I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.

*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?

Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped

Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then

thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy

Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here

Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor

me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.

[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.

friend: i’m just going to date myself

me: you can do better

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.

In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine