just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
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Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Bond. Trauma bond.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
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Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
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WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?