just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
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If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.