just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
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When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?