Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.

Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….

My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.

I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”

Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?

Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.

Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.

P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.

Me: Is that a beret?

P: Oui.

trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

me: this could have been an email

cop: step out of the car sir

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.

No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper

Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.

Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”

North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))