Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
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*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Me irl
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
