just leave it at the foot of the bed
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Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
husband: *worrying*
me: I don’t think you should worry about that
husband: well what should I worry about instead then
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”