just leave it at the foot of the bed
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My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
who will stop them
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
“FOUND ‘EM!”
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.