just leave it at the foot of the bed
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Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
you’re not fooling anyone
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
*pronounces patio like ratio
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit