Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.

true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC

[business negotiation]

Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.

*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.

[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house

My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”

Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*

Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.

Me: *starts another book while I wait*

*two hours later*

Libby app: Your hold is ready.

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.

The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.

How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive

girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts

PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”

Store policy: You break it you buy it.

Cat policy: you by it you break it.

If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.

Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.

I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.