Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?

If I wanted unnecessary pockets on my clothing I’d buy clothes made in the 1980s.

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t

Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG

Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic

Me: I love you so much, you know that?

Toddler: *slaps me in the face*

Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”

-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.

Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.

[job interview]

Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?

Me: No.

Him: What’s your salary requirement?

Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.

Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?

Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here

Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes

Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry

As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.