Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?

We do, now.

(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)

shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

Interviewed a Canadian.

She has a Canadian accent & boobs.

She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.

She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.

One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.

I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.

I kept not finding it. She got angrier.

I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”

Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”

😑

“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early

Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.

Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

*breaking up with BF

I’ll never forget you David.

‘My name is Jason’

Goodbye John.

Thanks to a fan for this one!

Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.

All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”

how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”

*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.