Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The weatherman isn’t real!”

-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”

my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh

We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water

I bet the first person that had a flush toilet in their house were mocked by someone saying something like “Ooh, Mr fancy pants is too good to shit in a bucket and throw it out the window. Ooh”

Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.

My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?

I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.

wife: what’s bothering you, hun?

attila: the romans

The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched

In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM

Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”

Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?

~ asking for my cat

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.

Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?

I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.

Me: This escape room sucks

My boss: This is a budget meeting…

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT

me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon