just left a huge legacy in there
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I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
i want the dreams to chase me for once
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Lmao 😁
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU