just left a huge legacy in there
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Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
A classic…
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.