just left a huge legacy in there
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Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in