Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
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It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
More like Kate Missington.
Me too
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.