Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
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When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
screw you
this will hang in the louvre one day
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”