Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.

my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart

Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.

Me: This isn’t going to work out.

if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook

when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf

I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

Moving tip: don’t learn how to read

How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha

Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?

Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

Him: I just had sex with that woman!

Me: She’s 60.

Him: I know.

Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins

BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary

If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.

The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”

You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.

–Psycho Therapy