Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
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I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Seas the day!!!!
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost