Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.

Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.

I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them

Husband:

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god

My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.

Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*

My family: what’s the occasion?

When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL

*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*

4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.

The next wave of scammers will have old people call you

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.