Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
