Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
