Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Eating for two.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
fired
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
