Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: So you’re into football?

DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.

ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.

HER: I need to see other people.

“Dad, what’s a coworker?”

“Someone you block on social media.”

Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.

Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong

I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts

Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.

skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute

me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.

When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.

#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns

So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.

Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit

Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

[Halloween]

Lady: what are you this this year?

Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.

Lady: *faints*

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.