Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.

People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?

[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit

Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial

Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.

if someone leaves your life it’s often because the actor playing them is getting cancelled in the real world

obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes

[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]

Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.

No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”

They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?

Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.