Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?

Me: Sure, bud.

7yo: So when I die, will I come back?

Me: Now I see why you have a headache.

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.

Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon

Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

Erm…

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

pro: having a lovely time visiting canada

con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here

Copy Editor is a rewording career.

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

6: you’ll always be my mom right?

me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!

6: what if you’re dead

me: wtf

i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business

Good morning ☺️

A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.

“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.