Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

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He said we needed to talk so I screamed ‘Who are you & what are you doing in my house?’
Long story short, it was his house & his wife is mad


[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up


Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.


Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*


Just saw a one star review for a restaurant and all it said was “never been there.” Thanks William, super helpful.


Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.


Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.


I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.