Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
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ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS