Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
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I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’