just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
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Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Catering service
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?