just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
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[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
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ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
what do you want
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That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.