just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
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Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale