Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
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Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
When they try to steal your moment.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!