Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
You Might Also Like
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun