Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.

*uses falsetto voice*

MR. SMOOCHES!!

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”

“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.

Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”

No one heard her.

I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.

Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.

*brings knife to gunfight*

*knife used to cut pizza*

*pizza served & differences resolved*

*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*

Earth reviews

⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”

Little known fact:

Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

[first day at the cia]

me: where’s the chandelier

boss: what chandelier

me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶

boss: that’s sia

me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here

Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation

Gets pulled over:

” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”

*flirting with a guy at work*

Soooooo, what do you do for a living?

Them: Why are you single?

Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.

You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty

[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.

I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.

Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.

[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords

I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.