Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[limbo contest]

Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.

when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.

no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!

Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.

6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.

Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.

Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.

I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.

choose your gary

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.

Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.

3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”

I think she’s ready to be a parent now.

“…and use only your finest microwaves.”

– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s

If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.

If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”

Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.

HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

#HatDadJoke