Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
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CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
My time has come.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?