Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.

Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names

ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won

me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself

her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon

Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?

Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

Feels like the fourth month in January

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.

Just did a big green poo by a canal

why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”

My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.

me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope

I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!

Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?