Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler

Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom

Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.

I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.

me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine

I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.

Him: I’m drowning in bills

Me: You should sign up for paperless

what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”

“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”

Midwesterners: hold my beer

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

🥴

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.

It’s for plane enthusiasts.

What were you thinking?

“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]

My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.

6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.

Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.

My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?

Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.