Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
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What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
the three branches of government
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.