Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
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[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those