Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.

As the best book lists of 2021 drop

I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.

I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.

Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”

Saw another story about a missing hiker.

I never went missing sitting at home.

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.

jesus christ confetti not now

(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….

When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.

I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.

The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles

Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?

*reads your mind*

*decides to wait for the movie*

💀💀

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.