Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
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me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Rt to bother an English speaker
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
what?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Labreador
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted