Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
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“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.
I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
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People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Couple goals
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My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.